The world can feel like such a scary place sometimes. Every time we turn on the news or scroll through social media there is another horrifying headline, like the tragic and unfathomable school shooting in Nashville. As a mother and school counselor, I can’t begin to imagine the pure terror and heartbreak felt by those children, teachers, and families. I also can’t seem to stop imagining something similar happening to my children, my students, or myself.
Sadly, mass shootings have become such a part of our culture, that I now recognize the familiar patterns that tend to play out for me after each one. Upon hearing the news there is an immediate reaction of, “PLEASE NO, NOT AGAIN!!”. This is followed by confusion, despair and a desire for details to help make sense of these senseless acts. “How many lives were lost?”, “Who could have done something like this?”, “What was their warped reasoning?”.
At the same time, there is a protective urge to look away and remain oblivious to it all, so that I don’t have to feel the sadness, horror, hopelessness, disgust, anger, fear, and helplessness…again. Do you feel this too? What is your instinct? Do you find yourself wanting to turn away or do you immerse yourself in the details? Does the mix of emotions make you feel paralyzed or does it propel you to take action?
For the past few days I have felt frozen. I am in the squeezing my kids extra hard and making sure I fully take them in before they walk out the door to school phase. I say prayers as they leave, that they will return home safely. Similar prayers fill my head as I walk into the front doors at my own school. “God please keep everyone at our school safe”. As the school counselor, I pray that I don’t miss anything with one of my students “Who feels isolated?” “Who seems removed?” “Who could be hurting so badly that they think taking the lives of innocent people is their only recourse?”
Like you, I want answers. I want solutions. I want certainty. But I know that my need for these things will not be satisfied. At least not in the timeframe that I would like. I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of powerlessness and fear that comes up when you think about all of the things that are not in your control. I've let myself swirl in this place for a while, which feels like a necessary part of the process. But I can't stay here. I have to figure out what I can do, no matter how small. And for me that always starts with questions. I have been asking myself, “What is in my control?”, “How do I move forward from this stuck and scary place?”, “How can I be the change I want to see?”
I sincerely wish that I had something better to offer here - I wish I had answers, solutions, and certainty to give to you. Sadly, I do not. The only thing I can offer is what I have gleaned in my own processing of this and other atrocities that plague our human race. My hope is that in some small way it brings you a bit of peace. Obviously, I can’t fix it but…
I Can Validate - Everything you are feeling (or not feeling) is OK : Fear, sadness, outrage, hopelessness, helplessness, confusion, anger, desperation, appreciation of your blessings, hope, love, apathy, empathy and anything in between. I’m with you. I feel it too.
I Can Add More Love Into The World - I don’t know how to stop other people’s hate or suffering but I know how to love the people in my reach. I can slow down and connect. I can let the people that matter to me know it through my words and actions. I can be inclusive. I can listen attentively. I can share what inspires me. I can do my best not to do harm. I can show up to work everyday and be my best for the kids at my school. I can come home and spend time with my family and remind them of the good in the world.
I Can Offer Things That Help With Fear
Allow yourself to actually feel the feelings aka: crying
Deep breathing - inhale for 4 seconds, pause for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds
Journaling
Move your body- run, exercise, walk, punch a pillow
Talk to someone like a friend or counselor
Ground yourself in the present moment -through your 5 senses
Remind yourself that, “You are safe in this moment”
Focus on your blessings
Take action -donate, volunteer
Today I donated to https://www.everytown.org/ for gun safety
I Can Share The Words of Others That Have Helped Me
(They may or may not help you)
“Fear doesn't prevent death. It prevents life.” ― Naguib Mahfouz.
“Our fears are more numerous than our dangers, and we suffer more in our imagination than reality.” - Jay Shetty
“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.” ― Brene Brown
“Kind people are brave people. Brave is not something you should wait to feel. Brave is a decision. It is a decision that compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd.” - Glennon Doyle
I Can Ask You The Same Questions I Ask Myself
What is in your control?
How do you move out of this stuck and scary place?
How can you be the change you want to see in the world?
I hope you find answers, but if you don’t, I hope you know that you are not alone in the struggle
Struggle Less.
Love, Maur
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