In the post pandemic world we are living in, I would imagine the title, “Masks Required” conjures up images of the lovely surgical masks that have become synonymous with Covid-19. I’m sure we could do a deep dive on that topic, but those are actually not the masks that I am alluding to at the moment. I am referring to the type of masks that we wear in public; not for added protection against viruses, but for added protection against pain, rejection, and vulnerability. This type of mask serves as an invisible armor, shielding our authentic selves from judgment and abandonment.
We all have the face we show to the world (aka: our mask or social self). This part of ourselves is made up of all the qualities we deem to be palatable and acceptable to those around us; these are the qualities we believe will help us gain the approval and love we all so desperately desire. We are innately social beings so not only do we crave belonging, we need it for our physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. Our masks are functional, adaptive, and in many cases, they are required. But they are only a fraction of who we are.
You are so much more than the personality you have learned to conjure up for your social survival. Working as an elementary school counselor I see the development of the social self or mask so clearly. Typically our pre-school through second grade students express themselves fully with very little care for what others think about it. They say what they think; they cry when they are sad; they express their love so sincerely and without hesitation; they move their bodies constantly and especially as a means of releasing emotions; and their main mode of transportation is running or skipping (often while singing or talking to themselves). They almost never walk. It's actually the cutest thing in the world.
However, usually by third grade the skipping stops and the awareness of social norms and what others think comes to the forefront; leaving their uninhibited, more authentic selves to slink into the background. Perhaps this is a necessary part of growing up and functioning in a larger society, but there is something heartbreaking about it too. The thing I would have never known before becoming a school counselor is that the children recognize this is happening. Some can verbalize it better than others, but I think they all experience a certain kind of grief about the transition.
My older students will often tell me they feel like they are always pretending. They fear that if other people knew what they really thought or felt that they would be judged harshly and cast aside. When I am able to reassure them that we all do this to one degree or another; and that it is a natural occurrence, they seem to be able to let go of the shame that comes with the hiding (at least to some extent). I'm not sharing this to expose anyone. I'm sharing this because believing you are the only one experiencing something is painful and isolating and it can lead to shame, guilt, anxiety, and/or depression.
The problem isn’t with the mask itself. The problem is that we can get so enmeshed with our mask that we believe it is our identity. When our masked self remains unexamined, we can lose sight of where it ends and where we begin. Conversely, when we understand the many facets of who we are, it allows us fuller access to our truest selves. It also affords us the option to be more intentional about when to wear our masks and when to risk peeling them back and letting our authentic selves be seen.
Most of us have more than one type of mask. They can be as different as the hurts and fears they are covering over; but there are some common types we go to most often. See if any of these sound familiar to you: martyr, bully, angel, control freak, conformist, clown, self deprecator, overachiever, zen master, intellectualizer, or my personal favorites, people pleasing and perfectionism. Are any of these in your rotation? What do you believe about how you need to look and act to gain approval? More importantly, what parts of yourself do you believe are unacceptable or unlovable? What parts do you believe you must hide?
One of the greatest privileges of being a counselor is that people often allow me to see behind the mask they wear in the world. They let me in on their perceived shortcomings and innermost desires. They confess their secrets along with the shame that typically accompanies them. They allow their emotions to linger longer than they might elsewhere; sometimes causing them to come completely undone. It’s not always pretty, but it is real, and raw, and authentic..and that makes it beautiful. Allowing yourself to be seen as you truly are requires bravery and vulnerability, but it is also where the greatest healing and connection happen. I assure you, no matter how messy or unkempt...the real version of who you are is so much more dynamic, life-giving, relatable, and easy to connect to than the watered down, restricted version you are often forced to pretend to be.
I am not suggesting that you cast aside your mask and share every intimate detail of who you are with everyone you meet. I am, however, asking you to get curious about the ways in which you hide parts of yourself to fit in, or in some cases to stand out. Please don’t use it to shame yourself or make yourself feel bad. It doesn’t mean you are fake or inauthentic. It is simply one of the ways we learned to survive in the world and get our needs met.
The irony is that many times the things we take on to keep us safe, are the very things that end up imprisoning us. Awareness and non-judgmental curiosity are the keys to free yourself. Our self-defeating patterns and defenses typically reside just below our level of consciousness. When we don’t recognize them, we have no power to change them. But when we shine the light on them, we allow ourselves the opportunity to shift the things that no longer serve us.
The people-pleasing perfectionist in me wants to leave you with a poignant ending that I came up with all on my own. However, if I’m being honest, I can’t possibly say it any better than the queen of authentic living, Brene Brown. “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough. Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving—even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.”
I sincerely wish this for you...and I wish it for me too.
Struggle Less. Love, Maur
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